The Great Beer/Minimum Wage Conspiracy
Pfr. Nescient Otiose
I feel like I’ve had an Akashic revelation; an epiphany of the highest order.
I finally understand now that the election is over there is only one real issue worth discussing. Not immigration; Not the inequality of wages or the economy; Not defense; Not unemployment and not even repealing Obamacare or taxes.
Those are fluff-n-stuff issues that mean little to our joint pursuit of the American dream and happiness. There is a much more important problem facing the average American and it involves something near and dear to all of us – Beer!
It’s a massive Right Wing Liberal Commie conspiracy to force the American people into an untenable situation of high wages and expensive beer – they’re all in on it. Every damn one of them is up to their short hairs in the conspiracy.
Mark my words; the ones who aren’t against it… are for it!
The Federal Minimum Wage.
The left has come out in favor of raising it to $15 an hour. They claim it’s a living wage that would lift tens of millions of individuals out of poverty – What nefarious treasure is the DNC getting out of lifting tens of millions out of poverty? And how does he propose these newly un-impoverished souls be controlled?
Rick Santorum and Ben Carson OPENLY support an increase in the Federal Minimum wage. Carson thinks it will somehow remove people from public assistance programs. – What is this Carson guy up to? – Is Santorum in on it?
Jeb Bush claims that an increase in minimum wage will cause massive layoffs while forcing the price of fast food to skyrocket. – His big concern is obviously the cost of a Big Mac and his in-laws, not the welfare of the people.
Hillary Clinton won’t say anything about it yet – She hasn’t decided which opinion would benefit Hillary the most.
The Trump suggests creating two minimum wages, one for young workers, and one for workers of beer drinking age. He’s vague about the specifics, but Trump’s stand led me to the epiphany… The discovery they are all in on it together. – Why does Trump want a separate minimum wage for drinking age workers?
The obvious answer to this question is “Beer”; and is the key to the entire conspiracy.
It doesn’t take a proctologist to count the empties in the yard – This is obviously a tri-partisan conspiracy.
It required a keen eye, a profound understanding of patterns and repetition, not to mention at least three Twelve-Paks of Rolling Rock, but I found it – The most heinous conspiracy of the last 150 years.
I researched every Pro and Con argument to the Minimum wage issue and did correlation and causal relationship studies between everything from the unemployment rate, median housing costs, McDonald’s burgers, and the National High School graduation rate to changes in the federal minimum wage.
Strap on your Tin Hats…
Hear me now and believe me later…
It’s our BEER they’re after.
It is our beer they want to control and therewith control us as a nation. The very foundation of civilization, as we know it, is under attack – BEER.
If they can control beer, they can control the world; and they CAN control beer by controlling the minimum wage.
Beer is the main reason mankind was able to build great cities and live in close proximity to each other. Most Scholars attribute this to the need for potable water; little was available in most cities so beer became the drink of choice for child and adult.
Beer stemmed the tide of pestilence and gave the common man a temperament that allowed him to interact with other humans while not immediately wanting to kill them. City-states were only as strong as their population was large, and beer was as much of a contributor the birth rate in ancient times as it is today.
Without beer, not only could man have not lived together, they would not have reproduced at a rate that outpaced disease — mankind owes beer a debt of gratitude.
Graph #1 shows there is no correlation or causal relationship between any of common economic markers and the minimum wage.
Bernie’s “raises the standard of living” argument for minimum wage is a loser, it is stupid. What is this mythical standard of living we talk about? No one can live on minimum wage; what good are minimum wage earners? Do they invest in infrastructure, do they support Super Pacs?
NO! — They use more than they produce and they’re always pumping out anchor babies and criminals.
If a person can’t maintain an American standard of living, I’m just not sure the 14th amendment still applies to them. I don’t know if they really deserve American citizenship at all. Minimum wage won’t make anyone a better American or make America great again. We should deport anyone earning minimum wage and replace them with something Wonderful.
All of you who were up in arms over “Jade Helm” — You got it all wrong.
Jade Helm was just a precursor to complete governmental domination and implementation of the “Minimum Wage/Beer Control Program,” — in the vernacular of those in the “know” — The “MWBCP.”
It only makes sense that Wal-Mart — a natural source of both minimum wage and beer — would be the epicenter of the program.
The South is inhabited by beer swilling red-necks. Just hang out in the parking lot of any liquor store in Tulsa and observe traffic at the “Baptist Window”… you’ll see.
This makes it necessary to start in the South — to control beer you must first put a lid on the reaction you will get out of the south. Jade Helm is just part of the greater Wal-Mart “MWBCP” and obviously the greatest indictment on the Obama presidency to date.
What kind of a Commander in Chief can’t even successfully invade his own country? — And I bet you never even noticed the fake-Budweiser cans full of water being used as training aids. The Israeli Blue ammo was just to lead you away from the real plan.
Bill Clinton is proof you can train a drunken baboon to be an effective president — What happened with Obama — are there no adults left in the mix? At least Bill kept the price of beer low during his time in office, both in Washington and Little Rock.
The roots of this conspiracy are clearly in Texas Wal-Marts. The ones located in low income areas of high domestic beer consumption. I can’t believe you didn’t figure this out sooner.
None of the arguments for or against the minimum wage have any merit. Yet every single presidential hopeful; either supports it, opposes it, or is just conceals their disingenuous intentions.
There is just one economic marker that appears to be directly tied to the federal minimum wage; it is the heart of the conspiracy — the price of domestic beer.
In the years since the implementation of the federal minimum wage the cost of a domestic six-pak has risen 2700%.
Graph 2 shows the Causal relationship between every raise in minimum wage and the cost of beer. Every statutory raise in minimum wage is followed by a raise in beer prices.
The Beer Barons in Washington are in control of the minimum wage, and if the current trend continues beer will be $24 a six-pak before the end of Hillary’s second term.
Start a petition, write the Postmaster General, the EPA and Fox News. Engage in civil disobedience. Do what you must, but —demand that the minimum wage be rolled back to 1938 levels.
Bring back the 5-cent beer and make America great again.
Wait ….. What was my point?
Screw it– I’m outa beer… it’ll have to wait.
Pfr. Nescient Otiose, MBS, Dominus vel insipientissimus – 1984; is best known for his academic works:
“The art of the drool” – a study in human salivary viscosity” and
“The Germanium Shako” – an expose’ of tin hats and other R/F conductive headwear.
A lesser known accomplishment is his tenure as four time “Großmarschalls der Parade der Naren“ – “Grand Marshal of the Parade of fools” in Mainz Germany – 1978,1979, 1981 & 1983.
No one in their right mind would take him seriously.
*a previous version of this article appeared on Article -107 News.
Gideon D. Asche 