Isis nemesis and Hugest Success in the history of our country, Pres. Trump called a press conference at the “Big Uns Tavern and gift shop,” outside Ft. Jackson South Carolina, this morning by serving a celebration pint to the entire establishment and tucking a Trump/Kim commemorative coin in the skivvies of the nearest adult thespian promising her a Nobel performance after the show.
Trump then publicly declared his H-U-G-E victory in his fight to strengthen the US military. “A victory like never before seen in this country… Or any other country.”
The Battle Cry of “Smallest Army since 1940 and smallest Navy since 1915” resounded with conservatives and chicken-hawks on both sides of the aisle and set the stage for Trump’s protracted fight to restore the U.S. Navy to post WW2 Strength.
According to program director retired Vice Admiral Wallace “Lead Bottom” Binghamton; U.S. Navy “Tables of Organization and Equipment” are to be immediately restructured and the combat vessel count restored to 1950 strength.
The Trump administration has appointed Admiral Binghamton and retired Commodore Quinton McHale to facilitate the changes. McHale explained that Phase one of the plan calls for a complete reorganization of naval assets and realignment of surface and submarine fleets to a respectable number.
McHale noted that the Obama Admin had reduced the U.S. Navy to a frisky 285 combat vessels – “the smallest Navy since 1917.”
When pressed for an actual list of new vessels McHale explained that the 1950 U.S. Navy was the envy of every uncivilized nation on the globe; it was a “Real Man’s” Navy.
In 1950 the US Navy fielded an impressive peacetime total of 967 combat vessels, a number just shy of four times the Obama Navy.
In 1950 the U.S. Navy deployed – 22 Aircraft Carriers, 2 Battleships, 16 cruisers, 253 Destroyers, 84 Frigates, 113 diesel submarines, 2 Nuclear Submarines, 104 minesweepers, 12 Patrol boats, 134 Amphibs and 224 Auxiliary vessels for a total of 967 combat vessels.
Obama’s navy is a meager 29.47259% of 1950 strength with, ZERO Battleships, ZERO diesel Boats, a mere 11 carriers, 22 cruisers, 61 destroyers, 26 frigates, 2 LCS, 53 attack Submarines, 14 SSBNs, 4 SSGNs, 14 Advanced Minesweepers, 31 Amphibs, 47 auxiliary vessels and 122 various surface vessels leaving us barely protected with a meager 285 combat vessels.
Rear Admiral Joseph “Happy” Haines, who served under Commodore McHale in the Pacific, is appointed to administer all logistics and procurement operations.
The National Defense Reserve Fleet will be refitted, made seaworthy and meet Cal-Osha standards. Battleships – USS Massachusetts (BB 59), USS Missouri (BB 63) and Carriers USS Forrestal (CVA 59),USS Saratoga (CVA 60), USS Ranger (CVA 61), USS Independence (CV 62), USS Kitty Hawk(CV 63), USS Constellation (CV 64), USS Enterprise(CVN 65), USS America (CV 66) are all scheduled for re-commissioning.
These vessels will be refitted for service as soon as the Chinese manufacturers deliver the required 1950’s electronics packages and weapons propellant bags. Hunan Ship Works in Shanghai is contracted to lay Keel for one new extended bow 1950’s era Essex-class Carrier.
The LCS program costing 479 Million dollars per vessel and the SSGN/SSBN programs, 4 Billion per boat, will be scrapped. The two currently sailing LCSs and all but two nuclear subs are slated to be sold to Vladimir’s Scrap Disposal in Newark for disposition. This freeing up of long-term expenditures will provide funding for a Diesel Submarine fleet and required tenders.
The lack of trained crewmen for such old vessels will require reactivating approximately 400 prior service individuals with experience operating 1950’s technology. Obstructionists in the Obama CAL-OSHA have declared authority over the refitting of the Sasuin fleet under unamerican leftist California laws and are requiring ADA compliant gangways and “Prostate Friendly Heads” be installed on all refitted vessels. – The President declared these “Crooked Hillary Clinton democratic attacks on our country will not succeed.”
It’s unclear if Trump will agree to recommission of any of the of guided missile cruisers at Suisun Bay since Leahy and Burke class vessels are 1960’s technology.
Bernie Sanders expressed his support for the move declaring “The Proletariat lives,” noting that there will be thousands of low tech labor jobs produced along with an entirely new trade school industry – “tuition free” – to retrain software engineers and other Namby-Pambys and left-wingers in the fine points of 1950’s manufacturing.
Trump finished his celebration with a double-shot of Frangelica and the slurred declaration – “The Army is next.”
Rumor has it that Quartermaster Corps is currently searching for a supplier to provide the 48,000 Mules needed to meet Trump’s demands to return the Army to post WW2 strength.
* Pfr. Nescient Otiose is a fictitious writer, the name translated to “ignorant and useless” and indicates this is satire.
Nes·cient: Latin for “lacking knowledge; ignorant.”
Otiose: Latin for “serving no practical purpose”