A Modest Solution to the Dreamer Problem*
Pfr. Nescient Otiose
* – an inexcusable exercise in intellectual plagiarism
Is there anything in this world more of a buzz-kill than driving through a neighborhood, noting that every doorway is darkened by Dreamers and Illegal aliens of the female gender; each surrounded by two, four or even seven little Anchor Babies securing her “right” to live off the public dole?
Rather than work for their keep, these Dreamers prefer to occupy their time producing rug-rats and spending any leftover entitlements, welfare, and AFDC on crack and beer. Their children grow to be thieves, drug dealers, and terrorists.
Is there a neighborhood that doesn’t suffer under this blight?
We can’t just round em all up, put em on a barge and send em back to where they came from – who would do the jobs we’re too good for? – And bleeding heart liberals would throw a fit, besides it wouldn’t resolve the issue of the next crop of anchor babies.
It is clear that any man or woman who might devise a solution to the anchor baby and professional welfare problem would surely be declared a “Savior of the Republic” and have a statue erected in their honor at the entrance of Mira Lago. – I hope you like my statue.
Many years my thoughts have been consumed with finding a solution; a solution that will cure a Pandora’s Box of problems this plague inflicts on our nation. With this goal, I present a Modest Proposal to overcome the Illegal alien/welfare professional/DACA/Anchor Baby problem.
My scheme will also solve that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard unborn children, and make Planned Parenthood an ugly vestige of the past. We should be fed up with Liberals sacrificing their poor innocent babes, through abortion therby creating a public expense – An expense with no return on investment!
Of all the expenses included in entitlement budget, food stamps are the biggest cash drain to the economy. Six states and DC all average from 20% to 22% of the population that requires food stamps to feed their progeny.
– I propose we turn this into a self-perpetuating, self -funding investment?
I have it on outstanding authority, from a Korowai acquaintance, that anchor babies and welfare recipients, each has its own regional flair, can be quite satisfying. He assures me that a young healthy anchor baby, well nursed is at a year old a feast worthy of genuine praise… A clear source of nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a quiche or lasagna.
Even the worst crack addict capable of nursing a human child to one year, thus limiting the feed expense. We are already feeding the mother – let her feed the baby.
Harvested at one year, each could provide two or three meals for a family of three, and imagine the feel of “Baby’s Butt” gloves.
If played right, a new export industry will flourish creating jobs for real Americans. Can you fathom luxury feel of gloves made from “Anchor Baby Butt?” I expect them to be all the rage in Paris and Moscow by the spring.
I’m already trying to decide if my wife would prefer Asian or Arab baby butt gloves. Rougher hide, like arms and legs, are easily re-purposed as push-pull tube covers on for Military Helicopters. The material is already the right shape – all that’s needed is a zipper.
Recent studies show that 6.2% of US residents under 18 years old are Anchor Babies, and while the ones over age 3 would no longer qualify, the cycle of reproduction can be slowed by regular harvesting of Anchor babies and illegal aliens between the ages of 1 and 3.
Recycled and re-purposed for the good of our country, swiftly becoming a new renewable national resource. A quick calculation reveals this to be approx. 1.2 million anchor babies are available for recycling each year. School districts could serve “baby-burgers” tender and nourishing to the children that would normally be refused a school lunch for being poor.
Commercial prisons could increase their ration of red meat to nonviolent drug offenders, and the possibilities of industrial uses for scrap parts are unlimited. Imagine the joy of little girls with an authentic “baby Skin” dolls to push around in a stroller or a “Baby Bowler” for the man in your life; luxury of that level could rekindle the entire US hat industry.
Alien children of this age don’t produce; they don’t purchase goods or manufacture a useful product. The average cost to the tax payer is $22 a head, and they grow up to be anchor baby mills. The burden multiplies with each birth cycle. My solution will turn this $22 loss to a net gain and put an end to the madness.
Alas, I must confess I have no real interest in this issue…
I have no energy or time to worry about it…
I’ll leave that to the current occupier of the oval office to dismantle of any part of the constitution that doesn’t support his policies, and present proposals that are as, or more ridiculous than the ones I plagiarized in this essay.
Author’s note: You students of literature who think this is just a borderline plagiarism of a famous 1729 essay – Good Catch, you’re paying attention, but who reads Swift nowadays anyway – only Nerds will notice, and the Trump will likely embrace Swift’s solution. Hell, Maybe I’ll end up with a cabinet appointment.